


Dear Roderich

by BookNeat



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Awkwardness, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Letters, Lots of Angst, M/M, eventual Austria/Prussia, mentioned Austria/France, mentions of abuse, past alliances
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-12
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-02-04 08:40:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 6,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1772797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookNeat/pseuds/BookNeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During the Cold War, when Gilbert stayed at Ivan’s house, he wrote letters to Roderich. He never sent them; he kept them in a shoe box instead.<br/>Roderich recently found them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is my fist Hetalia fanfiction as well as my first fanficion ever. This being the prologue, it's much shorter than the rest of the chapters.  
> Please read, and enjoy.

During the Cold War, Gilbert stayed at Ivan’s house for protection, but by doing this, he left his family behind. Eventually the pain of missing Ludwig, and me made him home sick. This led Gilbert to ask the Baltic States what he should do under the impression they would say to go visit his family. They didn’t, instead they suggested to write letters to Ludwig and me.  
I guess he never got around to sending them, because I found them in a shoe box, and I’m determined to find out what he wrote.


	2. Shoe Box Full of Letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, this chapter is longer. I thought I should get it up today because I will be at Comic Con this weekend. Thank you lovely readers, and enjoy.

I thought about putting the box back, in fear Gilbert would realize it was missing, but my curiosity took over. Carefully I opened the box to find the letters in a neat pile. I flipped through to find the first, only to realize the oldest was on top. 

How often did Gilbert read these? I thought to myself.

I pulled out the first letter and began to read…

Dear Roderich and West,  
I began to miss you during my stay at Ivan’s, but I don’t miss you too much. That would be embarrassing.  
Anyways, The Baltic States suggested that I should write letters to you two, so I don't miss you both as much. I guess that's what I'm doing. 

Natalia is INSANE.  
She keeps sneaking up on Ivan and me during meetings, and terrifying him. He keeps telling her to “Go Home” but she doesn't stay gone for more than a few days.

Alfred keeps trying to get Ivan to surrender, but every time a letter appears, he rips them up and uses it as fire kindling. It's actually sort of funny to watch him grumble to himself while he does it. Even you stoic Roddy would laugh. I miss that laugh of yours. You haven't laughed much since Germania left. What happened to make you the way you are now? You were so fun loving Roddy, I miss it. 

Don’t tell Ivan, but I don’t really like it here; it’s too cold for the awesomeness of me.  
This communism thing sucks. I own nothing. We all must share it. That ugly wall built in MY half of Germany is awful. I can only see Ivan, that’s it. West I haven’t seen you since the early sixties. Roderich since the late forties. I can’t escape. I’m not even sure if I can mail this. It’s worth a shot yeah?

That sappy shit I wrote. Forget about it. I mean it!

I must go, Ivan and I have a meeting with Yao. 

Adieu  
The Awesome Gilbert

PS. Write back. I need to know you're still there, and haven't gone away. 

 

Mein Gott. I thought to myself. He does care, or did anyway. 

I carefully placed the letter on my desk, and pulled out the next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter should be up by Monday, but no guarantees. I know it says Dear Roderich, you are all probably wondering why West is in here. That will be cleared up soon. 
> 
> Translations
> 
> Mein Gott- My God.


	3. A Turn for the Worst

Dear Roderich.

I couldn’t bring myself to send these. I’m sorry. It’s been a longtime since I last wrote to you and West. Things have gotten bad and I need to get out of here, but I can’t. Ivan won’t let me leave.

You’re probably wondering why I’m only writing to you, and not you and West. I don’t want him to worry, nor do I want him to find out about what happened.

Ivan decided that I wasn’t doing anything good for him, and has locked me in the cellar. It’s a dreary existence, and I’m just so done with it. Ravis sneaks me food, blankets, paper, and pens. Toris is too afraid to do anything, and that punk Eduard sucks up to Ivan to avoid his cruelty. I can’t really say I’m safe because then I’d be lying. I hear footsteps.

Goodbye Roderich.

For now.

 

* * *

 

Roderich sighed, pushing back a wall of tears.

"What had Ivan done to Gilbert to make him so scared to finish the letter?" He whispered himself. "What had Ivan done to make him change, to apologize so much?"

He looked at the shoe box with wary eyes and pulled out the next letter. 

* * *

 

 

Dear Roddy. 

 Sorry I left you hanging. It was only Ravis sneaking me something to eat. For someone so afraid of Ivan, he is very kindhearted and brave. AN honorable man if I say so myself. Probably has some Prussian blood somewhere. 

 I know you want to know what Ivan did to me, but I cannot tell you. Not yet at least. Somethings I will never be ready to tell you. 

I miss the house, West's dogs, hell I miss Liz's fucking frying pan. I miss you. 

I've said to much for now. 

I hope to see you soon Roderich. 

Gilbert.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while. Blame it on school.


	4. What's Going on in Russia?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self loathing and feels to come. bare with me though, the best is yet to come.

Roderich Edelstien,

I know it has been months since I last wrote. I don’t have a decent explanation that wouldn't include the words torture, confused, love, or longing. WAIT! Pretend you didn't read that. Please.

I miss everyone. I've been cut off for too long, but fear not. The awesome Prussia will always find a way out.

I know I don’t actually send these, but just writing makes me feel less alone. I’m scared Roderich, terrified really. After what Ivan- never mind. I can’t tell you. You’ll worry. Maybe you won’t care though. Maybe you’re just sitting at your piano, playing music as if nothing is going on the this wretched world. Why am I kidding myself? You don’t care that I’m gone. I’m just a burden to you aren't I? I trap you within your home don’t I. Maybe you really do hate me. Maybe you aren't playing around. I guess you have every right to though. I’m done for the evening.

Gute Nacht Roderich

* * *

 

Roderich frowned at the final few sentences. This was not the Gilbert he was used to. The Gilbert he knew never would have doubted whether or not he was liked, or at least he wouldn't let it show. This Gilbert was vulnerable and uneasy, but there was something else about the letters that made him question Gilbert. Although he wasn't sure what it was, the Austrian was determined to find out. 


	5. Explanation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of violence, abuse, neglect, and torture. For those reasons I issue a trigger warning.

Dear Roderich,

Again it has been six months since I last wrote to you, and lots has happened. I have also decided that I’m going to tell you exactly what Ivan did to me, before I back out of telling anyone ever.

It started a few months after I first wrote to you and West, which would have been about 18 months ago if I do the math correctly. Anyway, the first time it was mostly verbal. Name calling, put downs, and insults. Nothing too unbearable I suppose. By the time I wrote to you again, Ivan became more physical in his actions. Punches, slaps, kicks, and hair pulling were all in the mix. Usually I was lucky to get away with a black eye and a few bruises. Eventually he started to get a kick out of breaking my bones. So far he’s broken my right arm, most of the fingers on my left, he dislocated my left shoulder around that time as well. He shattered my foot according to Toris [who’s getting a bit bolder] and broke my kneecap. The Russian is careful with my legs, I guess if he broke those he couldn't put me to work.

I guess I’m really starting to question my choice telling you this. Who knows- maybe you’re cruel enough to use it all against me. It’s a risk I guess I have to take.

Ivan has also forced me to work outside during bad storms when no one else will. Many times I go out without a jacket to keep me warm, let alone a shirt. Most find it to be cruel and unusual, but no one will say anything in fear of repercussion. Hell I don’t think I would even say anything if it was anyone else. After a while Ivan realized that all his former attempts to break me haven’t worked as well as it does or the other nations, except for maybe Tino. This led him to more violence, and many more atrocities that you would be sickened by.

Maybe another day I will tell you the rest, but not here. Not now.

Gilbert.

 

PS. Please feed Gilbird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possibly another letter by Sunday


	6. The Final Letter

Roderich flipped through the box of discarded papers and old unfinished drafts of letters, finding one final complete one.

* * *

 

 10 January 1989

Dear Roderich,

It’s cold and dreary here. Christmas passed and I got a black eye and some other “gifts” to mark the holiday. I sent you and West gifts… I hope you got them. You probably didn't. Fucking communism. Fucking Iron Curtain. Fucking Ivan screwing with _my_ life as if I were some toy. Merry Christmas.

I miss you so much. I miss the scowl you give me when I say or do something annoying. I miss the small smile that tugs the edges of your lips when I make a joke or trip over my own feet. I miss the days where you would just sit in your chair and silently watch everyone. The music that flows out of your house… I just miss you.    

They have broken me, and now I’m nothing. Not a country, not a man, not even a person. The horrible things they did to me… It’s a miracle I’m still alive. It’s a miracle that the soviets are still kicking too. I know you hate when I say violent things. I know you hate it when I’m around you.

Do you know why I kept writing to you? Just you and not West?

No… of course you don’t. The Roderich I’m writing to is a figment of my imagination. An Austria which I can twist into my dreams. I continued to write to you because I don’t hate you. I never have and I never will. I just can’t bring myself to hate you. I’m going to leave that there for you to think about. Okay?

Rumors about knocking down the Berlin Wall are spreading, and I for one hope they’re true. I’ll be coming home then.

I hope you had a happy Christmas, and I hope that the Krampus weren't too horrible.  

Love,

Gilbert

PS. Sorry I haven’t written in twenty-eight years. Time ran away from me.

* * *

 

Roderich looked down at the empty shoe box with disbelief before slowly rising and making his way downstairs. He had to talk to Gilbert, and he had to fix everything. 


	7. I Care

Roderich found Gilbert in his living room with a book propped up on his knees.

“Mind if I join you?” The Austrian asked.

“Sure, I guess.” Gilbert said as he set his book on the coffee table. “Did I do something? Are you ill?”

Roderich smiled as he sat down. “No I’m perfectly fine, I just wanted to talk.”

“About?” Gilbert asked after a long silence.

“I guess there’s no beating around the bush will you is there.” Roderich mumbled looking out the window. Raindrops streamed down the pane of glass making the outside world look like a piece of abstract art.

“What was that specks?”

“Don’t call me that Gilbert.”

“Fine, what was it you wanted to talk about?” The Prussian asked placing his hand on the other man’s shoulder.

Roderich looked down at the hand on his shoulder then up to its owner. Gilbert quickly pulled his hand back and, avoided Roderich’s eyes for a brief moment.

“Your time in Russia.” Roderich blurted out as he mentally slapped himself.

Gilbert nodded slowly and bit his bottom lip. “O-Oh. Why would you care?”

The Austrian thought about the letters sitting in the box on the floor upstairs, debating whether or not to tell Gilbert. “I-” He stopped himself before he could say something stupid.

“You what?”

“I found letters that you had wrote to _me_ during your time there.” He whispered. “You were always worried about my safety or Ivan finding out.”

Gilbert shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I had a feeling you would go looking.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be prying.” Roderich said standing up. “I’ll just go.”

Gilbert grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down. “Why do you care? What could possibly make you care about the shit Ivan did to me?”

“I just care okay? I-“

“No. You can’t care, you hate me Roderich. The only goddamn reason you let me stay here in pity.” Gilbert growled.

“Gilbert listen to me please. I care okay, and if that isn’t enough for you then fine. You may leave when you want.” Roderich said. “I don’t hate you. Yes you threw me out in the snow, and took Ludwig away from me, but I could never hate you. Not after our childhood, not after Silencia, not even after everything you did.”

“You’re sure you want to know.”

“I’m sure Gilbert.”

“Then sit, shut up, and don’t judge my actions.”

Roderich curled up on the couch like a child and motioned for him to continue.


	8. A Sort of Explanation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's REALLY short, but I haven't really had time to write, nor have I had a decent idea until now. Maybe there will be a chapter up late tonight or sometime tomorrow. Hopefully.

“It began after I first wrote to you and West. I was convinced that Ivan had found out, but he hadn’t.” Gilbert started. The ex-nation looked out the window vacantly, as if he didn’t want to tell the story.

“Gilbert?” Roderich asked after a few moments of an earth shattering silence. “Are you in Austria? On earth even?”

The albino looked at Roderich, his eyebrows furrowing. Gilbert wasn’t sure how to tell the story at all. It had never dawned on him that he would have to tell it. He figured he’d be food for worms by now.

“You don’t want to tell me do you.” It was a statement. Not a question.

Gilbert shook his head. “I-I… I can’t. You’ll hate me.”

Roderich looked down deflated. _Why won’t he trust me?_ He thought to himself. Whatever had happened in Russia made Gilbert afraid to open up to anyone. There was no way that he was like that before right?

“I could write it.” Gilbert mumbled, breaking Roderich’s train of thought. “I think.”

“Okay.”

Gilbert got up to leave, looking the other man dead in the eyes. “I lo-“ He paused a moment before shaking his head. “Never mind.” With that, the seat across from Roderich was empty, and Gilbert was gone.

_This is going to take a while_ he thought to himself. The Austrian looked at the clock and blinked a few times. 16:45 it read. He’d been awake since 6:45 the day prior. Roderich decided to take a nap, and try to make the time fly faster.


	9. Golden Room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied... here's another chapter.

_Roderich woke up in Francis’ room, with said nation next to him._

_“Bonjour mon chéri.” Francis whispered, wrapping his arm around the Austrian’s waist. “Sleep well?”_

_Roderich looked up at him with a soft smile on his face. “Oui.”_

_“Shall we get up? It looks like a lovely day, I’d hate to miss it.” Francis asked, smiling down at the slightly smaller man._

_Roderich curled up against the Frenchman, his head in the crook of his neck. Francis in turn tried to pull himself out of bed with no luck._

_“Roderich.” He pouted. “Let me up, so I can make breakfast.”_

_The musician shook his head, tangling his legs in Francis’. “Don’t go.” He mumbled. “You’re warm.”_

_The Frenchman sighed and waited for the Austrian to fall back asleep._

_The second time Roderich woke up he was in the same room, but this time alone. He pulled his glasses off the bedside table, and put them on._

_“Shit.” He whispered as he stood up. Quickly Roderich pulled on pajama bottoms, and walked down the stairs._

_Francis was in the kitchen skimming through the newspaper._

_“I thought I told you to stay in bed with me.” Roderich grumbled as he made himself a cup of coffee. “What time is it anyway?”_

_Francis looked up from the paper and smiled. “It’s almost eleven, and even though you told me to stay- I decided to come downstairs and make you breakfast.”_

_“Is that right.” Roderich smirked. “And where is that breakfast you made?”_

_“In the oven.” Francis replied looking back down at the paper. “Keeping warm.”_

_Roderich smiled, and pulled the plate with a chocolate raspberry croissant in the centre out of the oven._

_“Made it just for you chéri.” Francis said from the table._

_The Austrian walked over and set the plate down. “Merci.” He whispered in the Frenchman’s ear, kissing his cheek. “Je t’aime.”_

_“Je t’aime aussi.” Francis turned catching his lips for a brief second. “I hope it’s always this way.”_

_“Me too lieben. Me too.” Roderich took a bit of the croissant, letting it melt in his mouth._

 

Roderich’s eyes fluttered open. He pulled his glasses of the bedside table and looked over.

‘It was just a dream.’ He told himself.

“What was just a dream?” Gilbert asked from his perch on the end of the bed.

Roderich jumped, and glared at the Prussian. “Nothing.”

“Here I brought this.” Gilbert mumbled handing him the letter. “Do me a favour and read it when I’m not in the room.”

Roderich nodded, and watched Gilbert leave the room.

_Well here goes nothing_ he thought, opening the letter.


	10. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There are mentions of rape in this chapter, but not at all descriptive.  
> Also major character mental instability.

Dear Roderich,

I feel fucking stupid having to write this down and not tell you instead, but I can't. I really really can’t. I don’t know how to tell this to you or anyone for that matter, so I’m going to start this letter again.

     Dearest Roderich Edelstien.

I don’t want you to freak out when I tell you this, but as we both know my time in Russia wasn’t fun. At all.

First I want you to know ~~I love you~~  and I’m afraid to say this because I haven’t said this to anyone.  

Now I’ll tell you what happened. It started a few months after I arrived in Russia. Ivan started to force me into cruel labor outside in the snow without a shirt. It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle, but I kept getting sick and Ivan didn’t like that. Eventually he deemed me unable to do heavy labor, and started to keep me in a cellar. He’d let me out occasionally for meetings, to clean, or for a quick one.

At some point about ten years in, Ivan ‘forgot’ to feed me, so Ravis, Kat, and occasionally Toris or Sadik would bring me food, until Ivan found out and gave them all hell for helping me. He started to let me out less and less, until I never saw the light. After that he became so much more abusive and hateful.

I would wake up at odd hours of the night to Ivan lurking in the dark waiting for me. He claimed that he liked watching me sleep, but I always knew he was lying. Sometimes he would come and stand in the doorway while I tried to beat up the wall. He usually would pull me off the wall when he got bored watching, and beat me up to ‘teach me a lesson’ about being a grateful little slut. If he didn’t knock me unconscious he’d either leave me to bleed out, or he’d pin me down on the bed. From this point he made one of two choices. Either he’d continue to pin me down and cut up my body, or he’d strip me down and rape me. It went on like this for years, until I broke down completely and let him have his way with me. It wasn’t until the fall of the Berlin Wall he stopped.

I’m still broken. Weak and a waste of space. If you care then come find me. If not then leave me alone.

Auf Nimmerwiedersehen unless you care.

Gilbert

 ~~Ich liebe dich so viel.~~  Please don't tell Francis or Antonio because I know you've grown close to them, and I don't want them to know about any of this.  ~~  
~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations
> 
> Auf Nimmerwiedersehen- goodbye forever  
> Ich liebe dich so viel- I love you so much


	11. Ich Liebe Dich

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the last chapter, but it's short because I'm having a bit of a problem with writer's block... Oh and I apologise for taking so long, finals took over my life.

Roderich reread the last few sentences over again, before jumping up to go find the Prussian.

“Gilbert.” The Austrian shouted. “Where are you? I need a word.”

Roderich ran down the stairs just as Gilbert was making his way out the door. The Prussian turned when he heard hid name. He had a gun in his hand and Roderich’s jacket in the other.

“Thought you wouldn’t come.” The Prussian mumbled. “You were up there for a few hours.”

Roderich gave him a soft smile and took a step closer. “Can we talk?”

“What about?” The Prussian glared. “I already told you everything you wanted t-” Gilbert was silenced by Roderich pressing his lips to his own for a brief second.

“I didn’t get to say what I wanted to say.” Roderich smiled. “But I think that made my point quite eloquently.”

Gilbert looked at the pianist with wide eyes, sputtering a bit.

“Ich liebe dich.” Roderich smiled.

“Ich liebe dich auch.” Gilbert said kissing Roderich again.

.


	12. You Set the Pace

Roderich took his hand gently and searched the Prussian’s eyes. “You’re scared.” He whispered, once he found what he was looking for. “Why?”

Gilbert looked down, and took a small step backwards dropping Roderich’s hand as he did so.

“Is it Ivan?”

He hesitantly nodded his head yes and bit his lip.

“You know you can talk about it.” Roderich whispered.

The Prussian nodded and continued to avoid the Austrian’s eyes.

“We won’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with either. We’ll go at your pace.”

Gilbert looked up then and smiled slowly. “Really?”

“Of course. I don’t want you to feel like you’re with Ivan again. I want you to feel safe and like you have a choice.”

“I set the pace?”

“Yes.”

“What about-“

“Whenever you’re ready. If it’s never then so be it.” Roderich said knowing exactly what Gilbert was talking about.

“Promise?” He asked in a small whisper.

“On my life.”

Gilbert’s eyes lit up, as he re-took Roderich’s hand. “Real Roddy is cooler than imagination Roddy.”

The Austrian rolled his eyes at his childhood nickname. He brought Gilbert’s knuckles up to his lips and kissed them softly. “How about we go somewhere that isn’t the entrance hall.”

A small blush crossed his face at the action. “I’d like that.” He whispered, following Roderich back into the living room.

The pair sat in a comfortable silence for some time before phone rang. Gilbert jumped at the sudden noise.

“I’ll get that.” Roderich said gently. The Austrian picked the phone up just before the last ring. “Edelstien household. How may I help you?”

“Roderich? It’s Antonio.” The voice on the other end of the line said.

“Hey Tonio, what do you need?”

“Actually I was hoping to talk to Gilbert.”

Roderich looked over at Gilbert for a moment before responding. “Yeah, sure, just give me a second to go fetch him.”

“Gracias.” Antonio said.

Roderich put the phone down on the table and walked over to Gilbert. “Hey.” He said.

“Who is it?”

“Antonio.” Roderich said taking his hand.

“He wants to talk to you.”

“Oh. Can you tell him I’m asleep or something?” He whispered.

“Gil.” He sighed. “No.”

“Bitte?”

“Nein.” He sighed. “At least see what he wants.”

“Fine.” Gilbert mumbled, as he walked over to the phone. “Ja?”

“Gilbert!” The Spaniard said rather excitedly. “How are you?”

“I’m good Toni. Tired, but well.” He yawned for effect. “How are you?”

“I’m great.” He said before going into a long spiel about Lovino, which Gilbert listened to patiently. He even added a few comments. By the time he finished, ten minutes had gone by and Gilbert was growing antsy. “Why did you call Toni?”

“I called to hear your beautiful voice.” He said sarcastically. “I actually wanted to know it you would join me and Francis for drinks later on this week? You could even bring Roderich if you wanted.”

Gilbert thought about it for a moment before responding. “Yeah sure. Text me the details.”

“Okay. It was nice to hear from you.” Antonio said. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, see you.” Gilbert said. Afterword the line was disconnected. He walked back to the living room and sat down next to Roderich.

“What did he want?” The Austrian asked, leaning against the Prussian’s side.

“He wanted us to join him and Francis for drinks.” He said, wrapping an arm around Roderich as he spoke. “We’re going. No arguments.”

“Okay.” He said quietly, closing his eyes. “’M tired.” He said after a long pause.

The Prussian smiled and stood up. Roderich looked up at him and pouted before he realised what was happening. Gilbert picked him up bridal style and carried him up the stairs to his bedroom. He lay the Austrian down and tried to wiggle free from his grip.

“Don’t leave.” Roderich whispered sleepily.

The Prussian smiled and lay down next to him. Nothing bad was going to happen he reminded himself, before curling around Roderich and slipping off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while. My computer had a moment and lost the file this story is written on. I found it again, and got past a huge writer's block. There will be chapters a bit more regularly now. :)


	13. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the incredibly long wait... starting school again has really taken up most of my time.   
> Mild warning for the up coming chapter: there is a smallish mention of death. I know this chapter is REALLY short, but the next few should be longer ones.

_“Let them go.” Gilbert said in a wavering tone. “Please Ivan, they didn’t do anything. It was all me I swear.”_

_Ivan glared at him and fired another shot at Ravis. The Latvian fell to the ground, joining the trail of motionless countries. Only Katyusha and Sadik stood between Ivan and Gilbert. Ivan pushed his older sister aside and aimed at the Prussian’s head. There was a loud cracks and then darkness._

Gilbert woke up with a shout.

Roderich rolled over and pulled him close. “What happened?” He whispered, as he stroked his back.

Gilbert shook his head and tried to roll over.

“Gilbert, what is it?” He asked again holding him in place.

“It was nothing Rod.” He whispered.

“Don’t give me that crap. You were yelling and kicking.”

“Nien I wasn’t shou-“

“Yes you were.” The Austrian said cutting him off. “What happened?”

“It was nothing. Goodnight.” Gilbert growled. With that, he rolled over and closed his eyes.

Roderich sighed and picked up his phone to text Elizaveta. If anyone knew what happened during Gilbert’s time with Ivan it would be her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... so I don't know when the next chapter will be up, but thank you to all who have stuck with me even with my crappy upload gaps. You guys are great


	14. Prelude to Drinks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm a horrible person... I KNOW OKAY! I can't update to save my life, and I should have done weeks... no, months ago. Here is an update, and if I'm feeling creative enough I'll add another chapter today.  
> I know I always say updates will be more frequent, but I'm serious this time. I will update (it's my new mantra)

**_Hey, I have a question_ **

_Wow! Just a question? No formal ‘Hello Liza, how are you?’! I’m shocked Roddy._

**_Hello Liza, how are you?_ **

_I’m great thank you, now why did you wake me up at 2 in the morning?_

**_Sorry, I didn’t realize…_ **

_Well, I’m up now. What do you want?_

**_Do you know what happened to Gilbert during his time with Ivan?_ **

_I only know up until he was locked up… why?_

Roderich read her text and frowned.

**_Only until he was locked up?_ **

_Yeah, we established that Roddy. Why?_

**_I think he had a nightmare about Ivan._ **

_You think this why exactly?_

**_Gil was shouting in his sleep, but I didn’t really catch a name… just let them go and it was all me._ **

_Oh… I’d talk to him about it in the morning okay?_

**_Fine._ **

_Alright, is that all?_

**_Yeah, Liza, that’s all._ **

**_Goodnight_ **

_G’night Rod_

Roderich set his phone back down on the bedside table and turned to face Gilbert who was curled up in a tight ball. Slowly he wrapped an arm loosely around his side. The Prussian shifted into the touch, but as far as Roderich could tell he was asleep.

* * *

 

 Gilbert woke up to an empty bed and the gentle sound of the piano. He reached for a shirt but was quick to realize he was still wearing his clothes from the day before. A quick glance at the alarm told him it was almost noon. Gilbert settled on taking a quick shower before heading downstairs.

 “Morning.” Gil yawned, shaking his damp hair. Slowly he walked over to the musician and leaned against the wall. 

“It’s almost noon.” Roderich smiled. “You’re usually up before me.”

“Yeah well I guess I needed the sleep.”

“Clearly.” He muttered.

“Have you eaten?” The Prussian asked walking up behind him.

He leaned back into his arms and looked up. “Not since early this morning. Are you hungry?”

Before Gilbert could answer his stomach growled.

“I’ll take that as a yes then.” He said getting up. Roderich took Gilbert’s hand and led him to the kitchen. “What would you like?”

“Just coffee thanks.” He said with a small smile.

“I mean food wise. You can’t have just coffee.”

“You’ve never said that before.”

“That’s because you’ve always _eaten_ by the time I wake up. Anyway, don’t you usually tell me that?” The Austrian asked, pouring them both coffee.

“Yes, but that’s because you have a history of forgetting to eat.”

“You still can’t have only coffee, you need food.”

Gilbert rolled his eyes and sighed. “Fine, toast please.”

The pianist sighed and made what he was told to. “Ludwig called earlier.” He said in an attempt to make conversation.

“Oh? What did he want?” Gilbert asked after a sip of coffee.

“Talk to you about something. He wasn’t very specific.”

“I’ll call him back then.” He smiled. “We’re still meeting Francis and Antonio for drinks.”

“How could we not? They are your friends after all.” Roderich mumbled. It wasn’t that he hated them, it was quite the opposite actually. He just didn’t like them drunk. Francis, Antonio, and Gilbert had a history of being assholes while drunk- not to mention handsy and stupid.


	15. Prelude to Drinks (part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be a longer chapter, but it's not.  
> Sorry

Roderich spent the rest of the afternoon gaining the courage to ask Gilbert what his dream was about. Every time he was about to ask, he backed out and pretended to forget what he was going to say. The Austrian wasn’t sure why it was so hard to ask, and he was clearly starting to annoy Gilbert.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Gilbert asked from his spot on the couch. He’d been reading The Martian.

“N-nothing. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Uh-huh.” Gilbert went back to his reading.

Roderich sighed and stared blankly at the piano keys. “What did he do to you?” He blurted out after a long, awkward silence.

Gilbert’s head snapped up. “What do you mean ‘what did he do to me’? Who’s _he_?”

“Ivan, what did he do to you?”

“I told you dumbass-“

Roderich cut him off. “That’s not what I meant. You’ve changed since then. You’re quieter and I don’t know… abgeriegelt? If that’s the right word.”

“I-“ Gilbert looked down and ran a hand through his hair. “I should call Ludwig.” He clearly didn’t want to talk about it.

Roderich sighed and watched him leave. He turned back to his music and waited for the Prussian to return. The Austrian couldn’t help but worry about the former country- Gilbert wasn’t one for asking for help and that was what scared Roderich more than anything. Eventually, Roderich gave up on Mozart and started to play simple children’s songs.

 

* * *

 

 

Gilbert returned sometime later, his eyes were bright. “Feliciano and Ludwig are engaged.”

Roderich looked up. “Sorry, what was that?”

“I said, Feliciano and Ludwig are engaged.”

“To be married?”

“No, to start a business together,” He said sarcastically. “Of course to be married.”

Roderich put his hands up in surrender. “Sorry, sorry.”

“He wants to go out sometime, just the four of us.”

Roderich nodded. “Tell him I’m happy for them.” Things between the German and Austrian had been tense since the end of the Second World War. Roderich loved Ludwig, he really did, but for the time being, they both agreed it would be best if they were to keep a distance from each other.

“You could call and say so yourself.” Gilbert sighed.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Fine, whatever.” Gilbert lay back on the couch.

“What was your nightmare about?” Roderich asked after a long silence.

“Nothing that concerns you.” Gilbert snapped.

“Please tell me… I’m your boyfriend remember?”

Gilbert looked down and sighed. “So?” He knew Roderich was right, but he didn’t want to say.

“It’s bothering you, and worrying me.”

The Prussian looked back up at the Austrian, his eyes watering. Roderich had never seen him like this. He got up from the piano and walked over to the couch. “What is it darling?”

Gilbert turned and hid against his shoulder, starting to cry. Roderich froze for a moment before pulling him closer and stroking his back. “I’m here, I’m here.”

“I-Ivan… He- He killed them.” He choked out. “H-he killed them all.”

“Who baby?” Roderich whispered.

Gilbert couldn’t respond, every time he tried a sob choked past. Roderich sighed and held him close. He wouldn’t find out until the Prussian calmed down.


	16. The Dream

“I-Ivan,” Gilbert whispered when he calmed down. “He killed the Baltics, Natalya, Felix, the others. They tried to pro-protect me.”

“Why? What did you do?” Roderich asked.

“I tried to run away. I tried to take them with me.”

“You risked your life to save them. That’s incredibly brave.”

“No. I did it for me. I was a coward.” The Prussian spat.

“Gilbert, you were in no way a coward. You tried to save them from Ivan. I don’t see how it was cowardly.”

“They died for me. They were innocent.” Gilbert was on the brink of tears again. “They stepped in front of the gun. I was so horrible to them in the past. Why did they save me?” His voice cracked.

“Because you tried to make up for it. You tried to save them from a fate worse than death.” Roderich said softly. “They stepped front of you because they thought you were worth it.”

Gilbert broke down, sobs racking his body. He clung to Roderich like a lifeline. “I-I’m so sorry.”

“Why?” He asked softly. He’d forgiven Gilbert

“I-I just am. I’m bothering you with all this shit when we should be going out and having fun with our friends. I-I shouldn’t be bothering you. I’m sorry.”

Roderich held Gilbert closer and rubbed soothing circles on his back. “I want you to tell me what’s going on in your life,” He murmured. “You’re not bothering me at all.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“I love you, Roderich.”

“I love you too Gilbert.”


	17. Drinks

The few minutes they shared in comfortable silence ended when Gilbert decided that it was time to leave for the bar they were supposed to be at ten minutes before hand. The car ride had been a silent one, the only noise was the radio.

Upon Gilbert and Roderich’s arrival, they were greeted with a chorus of their names and shouts of “Mes amies” and “Mis amigos”. They smiled at the pair and sat down at the booth.

“Sorry we’re late.” Roderich apologised, giving Francis and Antonio warm hugs before sitting down.

“Do not worry about it. We learned to expect nothing less of you, my darling.” Francis chuckled.

Gilbert and Antonio rolled their eyes and pulled the pair into their seats.

“Seeing as you two were the last here, buy us a round of drinks and start a tab, Gilbert.” Antonio nudged the Prussian out of the booth.

“Why me?”

“You’re sitting on the edge amigo. Drinks! Go!”

Gilbert grumbled and left to buy the first round.

That was how the night carried out. Each took turns buying drinks while Roderich sat back and watched his boyfriend and two ex-husbands drink and make fools of themselves. Francis had taken to flirting with everyone who’d walked into the bar until he managed to score a date and left with them. Meanwhile, Antonio and Gilbert excitedly talked about Lovino, and Feliciano and Ludwig’s engagement. Roderich listened to the two talk and thought about the letters that had brought he and Gilbert so close together so quickly. If only he had read the letters sooner. If only he spent time looking past the Prussian’s façade and realised sooner he was in love with him. _How could I have been so blind? So stupid?_ He thought to himself.

Roderich was pulled out of thought when Antonio and Gilbert started shouting at each other, what about, however, Roderich had no idea- their voices were too slurred to tell. The Austrian decided it was time to head home. He paid the tab and led the two other nations out of the bar and back to his car. Antonio could get his car in the morning.

The car ride home was loud. Gilbert and Antonia belted every song that played on the radio so loud, Roderich had difficulties focusing on the road in front of him.  


End file.
